this thing's constricting my throat
death gripping its hold
my heart and being have been sold
no one notices unless they're told.
from sunrise to sunset, dusk to dawn
every inspiration in me is totally gone
because every attempt goes totally wrong.
i've tried and tried and continue to try
but what's been the result besides the fact my inner being has died?
and that doubt of self has grown wide.
what's wrong with me that i'm not good enough?
why does this situation have to be perpetually tough
especially for a person, who is beyond nafs and lust?
i try to give what i can, put out my best
differentiate myself from all the rest,
yet time after time being good is a test.
so many times you find yourself losing out
i find myself to be without
one person for me to care about.
some wives cling tight to wife beaters
others want to trust their consistent cheaters.
they can be such fervent believers
in those who are the greatest deceivers.
yet when i or someone like me comes by
they're so quick to say goodbye
judging superficially what they see with their physical eye.
knowing this and with a sense of fear, i try
always to be given that bad surprise...
so i wear a beard
which seems to make some of the sisters scared
who 'pre-judge' based on how one appears
probably spend their time in assuming
that i'm some kind of Saudi salafi,
but i couldn't be farther from that thing.
others judge because Allah's given me a darker tone
that's supposedly worse than their own,
one that'd make me unwelcome in their homes.
i'm a pollution of a "pure" bloodline,
a being that corrupts what was once benign,
that turns gold bars into miserable dimes...
at least that's how it is in their eyes.
-unfinished-
